Why I still love her.

I know it has been 3 years since our breakup (give or take). And I also know you shouldn’t hold on to the past. But not everyone grief the same way and not everyone wants to find solutions the same way. So, this is my way of finding happiness through accepting the past making a better present. Some can choose to forget the past and just move on. Most of the time I do that but, in this situation, I choose not to. I want her to know I do still love as Don Rickles would say from the bottom of my heart. Also, I want to have a meaningful relationship. For now, just a normal lame, normal people one. I know I might contradict myself. However, this is how I just feel about her. There are contradicting thoughts in my mind. Okay, that’s out of the way. Now I will start my list.

The first reason is her patient. Is your response is going to be if she is so patient why did it break? For that, the answer is me. Time after and after I screwed up. The number of times I screw is more than the number of fingers in the hand. But she gave me another chance again and again. Still, I screw up. Of course, I am ashamed about it. There is no doubt about that. For the record last strike for the breakup was I did fall in love with another girl. I know, that was too much. Now I understand why she did and why she avoid me all this time. So, I am not blaming her, I mean a little bit. But for the majority I am responsible. Okay, this is hard. I need to know this and maybe one day she might know this. This is the main reason I am still in love with her. Because now I know why I did those things. I know this might sound lame but when you never knew about ADHD and its symptoms. All the shitty things I did actually can be explained. Falling in love with another girl, getting bored with the girl I have, getting addicted to drugs or alcohol. All those things actually can be explained now. In the past, it all feels like it is my fault. Actually, yes but hope you can understand what I am saying.

The second reason would be satisfaction. I mean this might be sound boasting. This is not. The idea is that even though there were relationships after the breakup. Nothing lasted that long. Maybe I was a shitty person or maybe because of my condition. Nothing lasted that much. To compare to the girl I am talking about relationship lasted around 3 years, but now I cannot even keep a girl for 1 year. Let’s say I was a shitty person, I was. But now I am not that person, I am still weird as hell. However, for sure not shitty. Some would say how can I say that I am not a shitty person. For that person I would say, I am bloody accepting that I still miss this girl and I am trying to make peace with her. For someone outside, this might seem nothing but for me this is huge. Again, the point was even though I met other women it never felt right, there is something always missing. I know this is far crying but again, this is how I feel about her and myself.

I know this is not much, but this is how I feel about it, and I think that one day we could have a loving relationship where we both can say I truly love you. That is wishful thinking. For now, I am only wishing for a meaningful relationship with her.

I know I might contradict myself many times in this. For me, that is the fun part of this. I can contradict myself anytime I want. At the end of the day, all that matters is I am still in love with her right? The answer is always going after all these years, a big fat yes. But for now, I just peace with her. So one day maybe our paths might connect with each other. If that doesn't happen I am still going to be happy with the relationship we have.

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